he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
