11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I accidentally had phone sex last night
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
