Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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