Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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