I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
You have to summon your inner elephant
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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