Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
