I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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