So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
