my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
