in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
