they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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