I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
not ubering you a puppy
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
