I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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