What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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