words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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