one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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