suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
