i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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