Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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