Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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