someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
