Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Randomize
