They should really pass out barf bags in church
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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