Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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