i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
foreskin is a definite game changer
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
