I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Randomize
