my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
