I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
we made out on top of his cat.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
