and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
