great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Another day, another engagement, another cat
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
