You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
