He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
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I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
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In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
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