He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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