god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
