fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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