So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
There's always time for handjobs
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
