Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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