I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
