I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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