I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
