i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Randomize
