pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
