We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
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