Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
