I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
