If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I'm too high and old for this...
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
