Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
