Hey man sorry I got all grabby
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
