before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize