Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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