i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
