New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
