I wish I could teleport
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
