Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Randomize
