I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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